The asked me about Pesach, already?

Now that I am not eating wheat products and people are asking me about Pesach, what am I doing for seder, where am I going, I feel more out of place than ever. One couple, friends of mine from Chabad approached me over a week ago, "nu? seder, where are you going?" I had to think about it, I am never sure about this question. I would assume that I would be going out from the land of Egypt and that this would thrill my friends to no end. They would be happy for me. Instead, I proclaimed, I won't eat matzah, I can't, I am eating wheat free now. I hoped this would suffice and that my friends would feel that I would darken their own journey from slavery to freedom, that they would not seek my company at their seder. It didn't go that way. My friends invited me in spite of my objections and I said yes. I would be happy to come, what can I do, bring, to be of help.

It is hard for me, to feel alone at times like this, orphaned for the holidays. Friends have families too big to include in my small home should I send out smoke signals, "Seder at Sparkey's this year" These friends have Halachot they keep. The ones that I try and ignore, making me a better candidate for visiting as I will get up and go when its time for me to be heading home. I am a better hostess than visitor. Driving home on a Yun Tiff feels better to me than staying put, feeling like I could do something I would regret. The feeling of captivity sets in and I become afraid to breathe in the same air as other people whom I don't know well at all. The kin folk of host/hostess and their friends too, everyone is so nice and cooperative at first. After the first day melds into the next, they too can't take it any more and begin to commit shonda after shonda to release any tension, the stress that I let explode upon first exhale. With one foot in each world, I struggle with myself in front of others to drive the point home, not much good will come from me in times of deep collective observance. I am afraid that I will come to love the torture that I see observant Jews deflecting in their time of melt down and recovery and melt down again as they work to keep our heritage whole. With much to consider, maintaining the structure of our forefathers never looked so good.