Seasons in My Rain Storms

Like a big fat baby, I expect to get what I want when I want it and still, enjoy myself. I'm no different than anybody else who lives like this, except I will say so. I will admit that being a brat feels good when the appeal works and those who surrender to me do so as if I am the novel idea they always dreamed of and on second thought they come to desire my fortitude with a grace all their own. I endure much to improve upon myself in the name of unmet need. I long for interconnectedness like others long for isolation, a sunfish sail boat for one, a fog banked lake and one good breeze to push them off and into the abyss of their own best selves. I want to press my hand firmly into the crest of their lower back, I never do though.

The individual emerges from my life and without knowing anything about them, I decide to care for them regardless of what I lack in trusting them. I imagine that I am their friend because in fact, I am. Until it is mutual, it is hard to get my mind around. My heart forges on and the bond is made strong in time when something new grows between us. The authentic article, the friendship, deep and true feels so good to know. They can't imagine how I would lay down my life for them and until I do they can just wish what it means to have me in their camp. My loyalty is steadfast. Like a good orphan, I make people feel kindly welcome. As it turns around, I become to them the friend that I knew they would be to me when the time was right. Today is such a time and I am happy in a new old feeling.

It has happened three times like this in the course of my life and I have been and feel so lucky to find my place in his life. Like a blessing, I have so much to be thankful for when I think and feel how it is. He let me know that he wants me to care for him in any way I can. I see that it is also futile to do so, to strike a balance. I am happiest when the relationship takes a long time to emerge even years become a comfort to me. Even though I am a brat about it, I don't ever want to be spoiled. I know I have to work for what I have in this life and my friendships are no different than let's say, my hooey, my false pretense of worth in stuff, things acquired then lost or used up.

It seems he adores my affections, he is so desirable. I love so much about him, his tread lightly mode, his simple complexities, fascinate me to no end. I am not distracted by other longings who's complete satisfactions I understand will never come my way. In sum, there have been 3 of these relationships and in each one the other person has never said a word about it. I assume that they are happy with me in their lives as I am. Fresh like rain, I am stead fast and they let me know how they enjoy my persistence. He has recently asked me to do what I can to accept him as he is and is not available. I wish and can at times insist he be other, I am not without my power struggles. He tries not to step out of his role as a professional. I cannot peel away layers more than he sheds. Nakedness would destroy this ambiguity and we would all suffer. Best to imagine other eyes looking into my heart, his reflect back and I can see myself in the thought. We are both allot to manage, in common, we are opposites.

I have waited years for the risks to be returned and then for the bond to form. My attention span is long when the challenge is love. I can wait through the longest seasons, the rain most of all forces me to go inward, where my waiting is done best. When he seeks an ear to absorb his whispering thoughts, his quiet and unexpected needs, I wish to be there, to listen to his every breath. I am not sure how we get thrown together in this fast moving world, a willingness to have him imagine that it was his idea to love me too.